Death

A lot of people are afraid of death. I'm not. Once I finish everything what I want to do in my life, once I'll be very old, then I won't be afraid if the day comes. The only thing that scares me, is the death of the people around me. I'm not afraid of my own death but I can't imagine how it will feel like when my parents, grandparents, friends .. won't be here anymore. 

Since I was little I've been often thinking about what's after death. I've never believed that after death, people will "sleep" forever or something like that. I just thought - it couldn't be true! It's impossible to sleep for ages! Even in dreams, you do a lot of things and if death people don't do anything anymore ... what do they dream about? Is there just infinite darkness after we die? It seemed so strange to me and it constrained me to think about the death.

When I was about 3, 4 years old, my grandaunt - granny's sister - died. I was too little to think about it, and although the aunt lived at granny's, I didn't really know her that much. I wasn't even at the funeral. When I was seven, my great-grandmother died. I was still a child but I began to realize .. that I won't talk to her anymore, play with her, see her anymore. ho. It  happened just few days after my birthday. She didn't go to my family birthday party because she was sick. One night, few days before she "left us forever" I cried and I asked my mum, why people have to die. I had a bad feeling, that the granny won't be here a long time. Mum told me, that if people didn't die, there would be so many people, that we would trample each other.

I remember the day, when granny called my mum. Mum wen to the bathroom and she was crying. In the beginning, I didn't understand what's going on, I thought, that it was because of something that me and brother or dad told her, that we got her angry .. but then dad told me what really happened and I started crying too.

It took some time to get rid of that strange, uncomfortable tightness I felt everytime we went to our grandparents' aparment. It was like my great-grandmother was still there. Altough she wasn't alive. 

Anyway, when I think about it now, my thoughts about death didn't change that much. I don't believe in the heaven and the hell so I have to believe .. that there is something more after this life. And if there's an another live after this, if it really works like that ... it's sad. Because that means that we won't remember the people, that we met in this life ... And that makes me sad. I don't wanna forget the people, which are around me now. Perhaps it's better to beliebe, that there's some heaven, where we all will meet and we will see again the people, who are waiting for us now ..